I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize