Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
