I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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