I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
