yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
