Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
