someone threw a dead crab at me
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
