I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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