So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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