best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We have started to decorate penises.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sext me about skeletons
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
there is another microwave in the elevator.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
