please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
