How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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