Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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