...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
