Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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