I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You can't just leave with hair like that
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
