just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
