Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize