He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
