I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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