im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize