Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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