I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
