Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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