So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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