Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
