Just fell off a train. Bad.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
