I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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