I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
