thus making me awesome and them whores
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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