Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
