dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
