Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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