i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
