awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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