My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
