I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
