woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
