In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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