I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
