Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize