I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
