i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
