Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
