Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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