paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
