It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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