The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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