Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
