On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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