This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
