We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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