hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
