Can i not drive my cunt home
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
