I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
