I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
