Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
