Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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