I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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