i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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