True but thats because hes a fetus.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
