Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
